Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
