I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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