dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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