I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
