saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
