I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
