Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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