i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
as a side note pls kill me
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
