you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
