I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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