I'm gonna have a badass scar
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
