the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
