You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
