Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
