It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
