Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
