Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
