He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
