Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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