Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Randomize
