So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
