I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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