I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
