dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
