yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
