So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
