i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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