Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
