I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
