That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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