I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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