you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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