The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
