What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
