They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm like, not good at living.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
