it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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