I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
