suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
