As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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