my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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