like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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