Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
