Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
