I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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