I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
