Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
