An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Randomize
