nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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