I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
