he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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