the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
